Current Events

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sydney Sweeney

Sydney Sweeney, star of the new boxing film Christy, is once again at the center...

New AI Chatbots Let Users Text With Jesus

Churches are deploying AI-powered chatbots that let users “text with Jesus,” tai...

David Rush breaks pencil-bounce record after '99 to Bea...

A serial Guinness World Record-breaker eliminated from FOX game show "99 to Bea...

Man who failed to buy winning lottery ticket finds $50,...

A dedicated player of the Maryland Lottery's Bonus Match 5 finally won a $50,00...

Trump Says Epstein Emails Only Prove He One Of The Most...

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the House Oversight Committee releasing more than 20,0...

‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation 

WASHINGTON—Responding to recent revelations suggesting the prominent economist w...

Farmers’ Almanac Ceases Publication

The 208-year-old publication Farmers’ Almanac, not to be confused with the more ...

Jack Schlossberg, Member Of Schlossberg Political Dynas...

The post Jack Schlossberg, Member Of Schlossberg Political Dynasty, Announces Ru...

Scientists Confirm Aurora Borealis Will Be Visible On G...

BOULDER, CO—Stressing that it represented an ideal opportunity to see one of nat...

Trump Denies Writing 36-Volume Comic Titled ‘Don And Je...

WASHINGTON—Dismissing the swashbuckling sci-fi romp as “a total hoax” amid growi...

Look: Baby alligator captured in Boston's Charles River

An alligator spotted this week in the Charles River in Boston was safely captur...

Look: Cow escapes slaughter, joins flock of sheep in Ge...

A cow escaped on its way to slaughter in Germany and spent time as a member of ...

Crenellated Aesthetic

For those who know what “crenellated” means, like we do, this house has it (or t...

Dad Calling    Just To Say He Loves King Crimson

BROCKTON, MA—Acknowledging that he doesn’t get the chance to say it that often, ...

Sarah Carney

Sarah Carney, 64, died peacefully last weekend. In lieu of flowers, the family a...

Dana White Can’t Believe Rabbits Still Getting Beneath ...

LAS VEGAS—Shaking his head in frustration after staff pulled yet another wriggli...

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