A typical food shop, if it was from the As Ever range by the Duchess of Sussex

MEGHAN has relaunched her shopping site, with new products and even more twee bullshit. Here she explains how she’d make your supermarket staples more poncey.

Baked beans with flower sprinkles

Every tin comes with edible flower petals to take your beans from mundane to magical! Think of it as ‘confetti’ for your beans on toast, even if you’d never in a million years have come up with such a pointless concept yourself!

Bespoke eggs crafted by chicken artisans

Pamper yourself with the unrivalled luxury of an egg, each one lovingly sculpted inside a chicken’s bumhole-vagina. Plate your egg, fried, in a mosaic of bacon, toast, mushrooms and sausages, adding the silky opulence of ketchup from a squeezy bottle. Save a piece of sausage and wear it on a chain as a keepsake of this special moment.

Toilet paper to be enjoyed with the ones you love

I believe the most beautiful thing in life is sharing, and 16-packs of toilet rolls mean the people closest to you can share in the joy of passing stool. Why not ask them to join you in your bathroom for a charming evening of conversation and defecation? You’ll wonder why you ever took a shit alone!

Luxurious limited edition Cathedral City, 550g

This block of Cathedral City is the only one to ever have existed at exactly these specific coordinates in time and space, so it’s basically as unique as a diamond! And just a few pieces will transform a dull slice of toast into a sumptuous slice of cheese on toast! You should try it!

Carefully curated dinosaur shapes 

Every one of my frozen turkey dinosaurs is specially chosen by a machine to make dinnertime a real-life journey back through time to the humid glades of the Jurassic Era. And each T-Rex, diplodocus and stegosaurus has been certified by a qualified palaeontologist as 100 per cent historically similar, apart from the breadcrumbs.

24-pack of 2025 vintage Stella Artois

A delicately balanced lager with soft notes of lager, a delicate aroma of lager and a lagery finish. It’s effortlessly versatile – perfect for carefree summer afternoons in the garden, or simply getting rat-arsed in front of the telly. During our nights in, Harry is always asking for another can!

Wonderfully indulgent Toilet Duck 

A decadent, lemony treat for any bleach lover, and the exquisitely sculpted neck for getting under the rim will make it a wonderful conversation piece in any ‘little room’ for years to come. Makes a perfect wedding gift.

Plan a romantic Big Soup breakfast 

Surprise your partner with a wonderfully seductive Big Soup in bed. Lamb and veg, beef and veg, chunky veg – let your imagination run wild! My secret tip? Spoon Big Soup over a freshly baked croissant for a dash of classic French elegance. Don’t forget to serve it with a generous sprinkling of love!