All 13 CBB contestants in the order you’d shag them in if you really had to

WHAT order would you have sex with the Celebrity Big Brother contestants in if, say, aliens were going to destroy the Earth if you didn’t? It’s an important question, so read our guide.

Ellie Rae Wise 

The obvious first choice as the reality TV star is pretty hot in an identikit TOWIE way. You probably wouldn’t want to go out with her, but shagging her would not be too much of a chore at all. Which is the sort of compliment every lady is dying to hear.

Chesney Hawkes

Chesney actually looks better than he did in 1991, having ditched the annoying floppy hair for a chilled DILF look. It’s going to be hard to avoid The One and Only going through your head whenever you see him on TV and also during sex, but as long as he doesn’t smugly say ‘The one and only, oh yeah’ afterwards it should be fine.

Chris Hughes

Fairly typical Love Island Stepford hunk. He once went out with Olivia Attwood, but if you’re not a fan of shit TV you won’t know who she is either. Shagging him wouldn’t be ideal if you’re a straight bloke as well, but sometimes you’ve just got to man up and have mindblowing gay sex.

Angellica Bell

Having difficulty placing the CBBC presenter from 2000-06 and co-host of The Martin Lewis Money Show? Not to worry. She’s reasonably attractive and anyway ITV spunked all their budget on Mickey Rourke, so you’re not getting Margot Robbie.

Daley Thompson

Daley was massive back in the 80s, smashing decathlon records left, right and centre and somehow not looking like a bellend with that moustache. However while he’s in great shape for his 66 years, you may be slightly put off sex with him by his past attitude to gay people and interest in TERF campaigning, which rarely ends well. And is probably why he’s in the house. Never shag your heroes, as they say. 

Jojo Siwa

21-year-old Jojo is a former child star who’s now a kind of lesbian Hannah Montana, with her own showbiz empire based on music, TV shows, dolls and other merch such as bedroom decor. Clever. If she plays any of her painful tween pop with titles like Every Girl’s A Super Girl it’s going to be incredibly off-putting during sex. 

Donna Preston

You know, she played Den from Coronation Street. No? She was in Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald. Not seen that? What about Pants on Fire? She wrote Threesomes on BBC3. Still drawing a blank? Oh well, at least you’ll have plenty to talk about.

Jack P Shepherd  

Jack is totally unrecognisable if you don’t watch Coronation Street, and is best described as ‘normal-looking’. Which doesn’t sound too promising in terms of arousing your passions, but compared to some of the freaks in the house it puts him in the Timothée Chalamet league of attractiveness.

Patsy Palmer

Credit to Patsy for doggedly clinging to fame based on little more than annoyingly shouting ‘RICK-AAAY’ over a decade ago. Attractiveness-wise, she’s got nice red hair, but sadly is very much the Wish.com version of Karen Gillan.

Trisha Goddard

Trisha has a terminal cancer diagnosis, so it’s probably best to move swiftly on for taste reasons. Much like when you were idly flicking through the channels and Trisha was on.

Danny Beard

Okay, we’re moving out of ‘normal humanoid’ territory here. Danny Beard without makeup looks like the average bloke in B&Q, but in drag he looks disconcertingly similar to Art the Clown from the Terrifier movies. Might be fun to have sex with if you’re a gore-hound with a Shudder subscription.

Mickey Rourke

Mickey has clearly been included for his car crash value and the ghoulish fascination of his altered appearance. Speaking of which, probably the best strategy during sex is to go into imagining-someone-else mode and think of the Mickey from Angel Heart, 9 1/2 Weeks or Rumble Fish. It worked for countless girlfriends and wives in the 80s.

Michael Fabricant

You’ve put it off as long as you can, but now it’s time to have sex with Michael Fabricant. Which will presumably involve more self-absorbed rambling about his polyamorous lifestyle you really don’t give a f**k about, plus there’s the hair issue. What is it? Why is it so incredibly unnatural-looking? Is it some sort of alien symbiote, or are you just being paranoid? Worse, you’ll kick yourself when you realise you could have saved Ellie Rae Wise or Chesney Hawkes till last to end on a positive note and reduce the mental scarring.