Banning alcohol adverts to instantly stop UK getting pissed

A BAN on alcohol adverts is guaranteed to make the British public immediately stop drinking permanently, it is believed.

After details were leaked of a possible government ban, Britons said it would make them instantly give up booze because they only drink for the buzz of following the instructions of slick marketing campaigns.

Martin Bishop from Salisbury said: “I don’t get hammered every week because I enjoy the taste of beer. I do it because that’s what my advertising overlords demand and they must be obeyed.

“Imagine getting pissed in a world without poncey black-and-white commercials filmed by Italian lakes. It would be utterly pointless. You’d be having a pint of Fosters and you’d suddenly think: ‘Why I am drinking this somewhat flavourless poison?’”

Nikki Hollis from Worthing said: “Once the last alcohol advert fades to black I expect the nation’s beer pumps will fall into disuse and we’ll all come to our health-conscious senses. Just like we did with smoking and junk food.

“I reckon we’ll fill the alcohol-shaped void by buying a Range Rover or some pricey Dior perfume. At least until those adverts get banned for being bollocks too.”