How to survive Euro 2025 when you’re bored with the Lionesses now: a guide for women

EURO 2025 kicks off today, but what if you’re a woman who was briefly into football but now isn’t really? Here’s how to survive weeks of dutiful support:

Watch for the style tips 

Admittedly this won’t take long as the only hairstyle on display is dyed blonde in a ponytail, and you’ll probably quickly reject the idea of a massive Chloe Kelly headband for everyday wear. But with 105+ tedious minutes of football to get through per match, any distraction is welcome.

Use your orgasm-faking skills

As a woman, you’re experienced in feigning excitement over a repetitive activity enjoyed mostly by men. Transfer those skills to the football – an enthusiastic gasp of ‘Yes!’ when England score sounds like you were paying attention. Obviously omit phrases like ‘Right there, on the clit’ as they sound odd. Don’t worry if your performance isn’t convincing. Alex Greenwood won’t feel crushed and start suffering erectile dysfunction.

Brace yourself for cliches 

Like any tournament, you’ll need to develop a tolerance for football cliches like ‘England need to control the tempo’ and painfully predictable references to the host nation Switzerland. Being forewarned will reduce your wincing when commentators say things like: ‘The clock’s ticking, or should I say… THE CUCKOO CLOCK!’

Enjoy the lack of gamesmanship 

Men’s football is dogged by cynical and blatant attempts to pretend you’ve been fouled by a player two metres away, but that’s less of a feature in the women’s game. The ladies will catch up, but for now enjoy the players not hurling themselves to the ground melodramatically like characters in front of an explosion in 80s action movies.

Get shitfaced 

Everyone will be getting pissed when England plays and alcohol f**ks with your time perception, so hammer the booze. Ever since football was invented men have accepted that only a lunatic would voluntarily sit through a goalless draw between Tranmere Rovers and Shrewsbury Town, and watching sport is just an excuse to get pissed anyway. Happily in these more equal times women can camouflage their alcohol dependency too.

Enjoy the scenery  

The BBC and ITV are bound to include a fair bit of Swiss scenery in their coverage, knowing TV viewers mindlessly watch even Midsomer Murders just for the pretty countryside. Doing the same will make the football more tolerable while being great practice for becoming old and senile.

Invisible earbuds

The solution to all sorts of boring situations, from cleaning to social occasions to your boyfriend’s attempts at cunnilingus. Euro 2025 will fly by as you listen to an engrossing podcast about murder. But don’t absentmindedly sing along to Brat. Justifying saying ‘I split the apple down symmetrical lines’ as support for Georgia Stanway is hard and will force you to use your mind, which is not the point of watching football.