Is your Tory turning Reform? Six key signs

IS YOUR Conservative MP brightening from dark blue to light? Does he miss old pals like Danny Kruger and Nadine Dorries? Find out: 

Listlessness

Does your member find it hard to get up in the mornings? Is he still in pyjamas at 2pm because ‘what’s the point when we’re not in government?’ Do you find him watching GB News saying ‘I was on this when I was junior undersecretary for transport in the Truss administration, now I’m nobody’? This is often the first sign of political realignment.

Non-attendance of debates

If your MP is so out of touch with his lobbyists he no longer attends debates, be concerned. It may be that Kemi Badenoch’s speeches no longer give him his familiar right-wing high and he is beginning to crave more powerful rhetoric. At this stage you can still reverse course by restricting his access to the Daily Telegraph.

Gnawing limbs

Once your member’s desire to be important again becomes overwhelming, he may turn to self-harm to stop the intrusive thoughts that if he defects now, he has a chance of becoming Reform’s mayoral candidate for the Greater Essex Combined Country Authority. Watch for toothmarks in the hands and feet, or if distressed he could turn to plucking his pubis.

Trepanation

At this stage your MP is set on their course but realises his background of public school and the City means he knows basic maths; anathema to Reform. In an attempt to achieve the vacuous idiocy of successful defectors like Andrea Jenkyns, he may attempt to drill a hole in his own skull to allow his brain to breathe. Lock power tools away.

Detachment from reality

Regardless of whether he succeeded in step four, your member is now intent on denying reality so he can believe himself king of the world when one of five MPs. This may be achieved by use of psychedelics, donning a shock collar to give him a jolt whenever he speaks truths, or being immersed in a tank of Twitter’s ‘For You’ tab for 72 hours.

A blissful, Zen-like state of total happiness

When your MP is on the cusp of switching from Tory Blue, Pantone #1450AA to Reform Blue, Pantone #00bed6, he will achieve a state of transcendence. No longer troubled with the material world and its compromises, he will know Nigel is the only truth and all else temporary. He may begin to levitate. A press conference will begin in two to four hours.