Lockheed Martin Develops Giant Tactical Rubber Spider
BETHESDA, MD—Ushering in a new, highly advanced era of creepy-crawly warfare, defense contractor Lockheed Martin announced Friday that it had developed a giant tactical rubber spider. “With the introduction of this state-of-the-art rubber spider and its highly realistic, blood-curdling fangs, the face of combat has changed forever,” said CEO James Taiclet, explaining that the long-range, […] The post Lockheed Martin Develops Giant Tactical Rubber Spider appeared first on The Onion.
BETHESDA, MD—Ushering in a new, highly advanced era of creepy-crawly warfare, defense contractor Lockheed Martin announced Friday that it had developed a giant tactical rubber spider. “With the introduction of this state-of-the-art rubber spider and its highly realistic, blood-curdling fangs, the face of combat has changed forever,” said CEO James Taiclet, explaining that the long-range, 250-foot-tall precision latex arachnid could be deployed anywhere in the world to scare the living daylights out of anyone in a 3,000-mile radius. “Enemy combatants are sure to flee when they see these immense, cutting-edge rubber spiders dropped into a war zone. Its power to freak out even the most well-trained military forces in the world should not be overstated.” Reached for comment, U.N. official confirmed they had drafted a resolution condemning the use of giant rubber spiders in war zones as inhumane and gross.
The post Lockheed Martin Develops Giant Tactical Rubber Spider appeared first on The Onion.
What's Your Reaction?
