Man’s biological clock telling him it’s time to be a crap dad

A MAN’S internal biological rhythms are telling him it is time to become a dad who does the absolute bare minimum.

Paternal instincts have kicked in for 34-year-old Tom Booker, who now feels it is time to settle down and father children he will occasionally engage with if there is nothing better to look at on his phone.

Booker said: “Time is running out for me. If I want to be an emotionally distant dad who struggles to remember the names of his own kids, I need to get reproducing now.

“If I leave it too long, my reluctance to play with my children or meet their basic needs could be blamed on me being too old, when really it’s my inability to provide decent parenting due to being a lazy bastard. 

“It doesn’t help that all of my mates are having kids. They keep jokily complaining about looking after their children for the evening and I can’t help but feel I’m missing out. That should be me doing a terrible job of child-rearing.

“Ideally I’ll have two kids by different women, then when they’re old enough to start having formative memories of me I’ll walk out. I can’t be a crapper dad than that.”

Booker’s wife Emma said: “Tom will make a great crap dad. We’ve already got a two-year-old he’s clearly forgotten about.”