Middle-aged British men’s fragile masculinity bought by Amazon

THE sole remaining outlet for masculine aspiration available to middle-aged men in the UK has been bought by a US tech giant.

James Bond, who is all an entire generation has left, has passed out of the hands of the Broccoli family who have done so much to nurse aging erections over the years and is now entirely owned by Amazon.

Nathan Muir of Hitchen said: “Careful. That’s my genitals there in your clumsy robot hands.

“I’m 52, a chief buyer for a supermarket chain, overweight, balding and knackered. James Bond is all I have left of manhood, the one area I’m not completely emasculated. Because you already took Clarkson and made him into a f**king farmer.”

Joe Turner of Oxford urged: “Be gentle. Don’t do prequels with young Bond or two movies a year or change Alexa’s name to Moneypenny for a stunt. Just choose a new actor – British, white, I can pretend to be him – and make a new one.

“He needs to wear a tux, kill the baddie with a quip, shag the girl on a big Union Jack bed in during the Royal Variety Performance and pump life back into my flagging old member one last time. Please don’t make him American.”

Jeff Bezos said: “We’ve got a brilliant idea. We’re making him American.”