Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month February 2025
Deskpilot has continued beating all in sight, with Front Pages, NiBs a mere 21 headlines, a feature and a hat tip to boot. In line with...
Deskpilot has continued beating all in sight, with Front Pages, NiBs a mere 21 headlines, a feature and a hat tip to boot. In line with the Wren rule (Deskpilot will be sick of that rule) that says you can't win WOTM two months on the bounce this month's virtual mug goes eppursimuove, who has just beaten Nicka and Tonymc by a small margin. Well done all round. As usual the full list of links are listed below the leaderboard, which precedes the announcement of the Cartoon of the month, which itself precedes the full list of headlines this month.
Front Page, News in Brief and Features
billclay
Statements made by Trump – Terms & Conditions
Trump's most recent Executive Orders – Number 5 will not shock you at all
What was Ukraine wearing just before the war?
Chipchase
Overnight Oats "were just poncey porridge" laments Leicester man
ChrisF
Boss offers no credible explanation for wanting to ‘lock in’ a meeting time with you
Deskpilot
Embarrassing admission about Met Police crime figures
Government to sell off Grenfell Tower, piece by piece
POTUS refutes claims that his appointees are Diversity Hires
Rachel Reeves thinks tariffs are great
Samantha Fox scuppers US-UK trade deal
Staunch Republicans turn on JD Vance
The Chancellor's statement on the economy
Trump stunned as Ukraine signs minerals deal with Europe
Dominic_mcg
Everybody has forgotten the England manager's name
eppursimuove
Adrian Chiles column about tight jar lid leaked
Emerging young actor not related to any famous old actors
Film producer picks unqualified halfwit to fix his toilet
Foreign Office guidance - “No, seriously, stop going to Iran”
Match of the Day institutes “Dive of the month” competition
New Bond villain to be parody of Elon Musk
Other scientists annoyed that rocket scientists get all the glory
Trump’s plans for Mar-a-Gaza leaked
Trump takes credit for planetary alignment
Women footballers ”every bit as vile as male ones”
FlashArry
ian searle
Queen Vic to leave EastEnders after 40 years
Jack the Quipper
James_Doc
Greggs Reveal Shop Opening Algorithm is Just Map and Dart
jeremynh
I'm not bothered," says man who lost £15m within seconds
Lingerie models to bring Valentine's Day joy to UK's rest homes
Starmer to suck up to King by building towns he designed
Traders brand pound a "sick disgrace" as it falls to an all-time low
Jim Skinz
Trump: I want to buy Basingstoke
Horoscopes for February 2025 by Sybil
McDabble
Govt plan to create 'Fake South Coast' to trick migrants
Speed Shakespeare gets rave reviews
Midfield Diamond
Modelmaker
Musicologist points out the cyclical nature of music popularity
Nicka
Ayrton Senna documentary criticized for not being new
Here are the mild symptoms you brush off that will kill you THIS year
Man hospitalised after drinking homemade water
Man sniffing in Middlesborough raises new pandemic fears
Noncrime, nonbenefit, nonimmigrant home found in Luton turns out to be a hoax
Obituary writer dies unremarked
Priest strike to delay processing of forgiveness of sins
The Traitors producer jumps ship to ITV
Tuesday follows Monday for 234,285,714,286th time
PaulD
Trump says Europeans can join Ukraine peace talks - and serve the coffee
Sarah Tipper
Absolutely everything fifty-year-old woman does attributed to menopause
StevB
Coup d'état in The Tangerine Republic
Mandela effect renamed Truss effect
SpaceX invents cloaking device for air
Spice Girls tribute act determined to remain pros for 30th year
Stewartbarclay
Trump: '2032 asteroid could impact my 4th term in office'
Trump offers to take over Isle of Wight
US of Eh? America added to its own Axis of Evil
Sully
Americans ‘proud’ of their craven submission to workplace bullies
Sydalg
tacitus
Manchester United Replace Football Department with AI Chatbot
Musk Demands God's Resignation
Throngsman
Trump blames diversity programming on air traffic control system
Trump pardons the Nuremberg 'victims'
UK to be hit with unexpectedly cold weather
Titus
Motorcycle tourists amend their description of Iran
Peru claims to be closest place to the Moon
Trump's version of 'speak softly'
Tonymc
Definitely not Nimbys says Tory Mayor
No bias against Northerners insists Buckingham palace
Survivors of Downing Street Parties found alive and well
Zelenskyy and Putin to find Totty for Trump
Will
Wrenfoe
Anyone else starting to think 'Tariff' is a good name for a kid?
Assisted dying to be decided by Wes Streeting coin toss
Public demand silent Drake album
Starmer caught getting Deep Throat on the side
Starmer furious the other boys won't let him play soldier
Trump blames diversity for the lack of diversity
Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw for The Madness of 'king Donnie
Headlines
bigbadbob
Busy bakery makes a good turnover
Ice hockey breaks out during US-Canada fight
Peppa’s Mummy Pig to have baby, Daddy Pig to have vasectomy
Sri Lankan power outage blamed on black crispy monkey
billclay
Secret Service Agent thinks they might take a punch for the President, definitely not a bullet
USA now a first world problem
Deskpilot
Actually, we do have free speech, you wanker
Average age of Young Conservatives is 58
Catering for cannibals? Try finger food
Confused primary school teacher 'all at sixes and sevens'
Health benefits of low fat milk 'skimmed over'
Highways expert admits wiggly road markings are 'unparalleled'
Hopeless weatherman hasn't got the foggiest
New low as Trump claims Ukraine caused Covid
No shot in the arm from AstraZeneca
Philatelist returns to his old stamping ground
Physicists resolve ice/water conflict with two state solution
Poorly performing butcher gets the chop
Pope springs eternal?
Rachel Reeves proposes new Defence Levy - definitely not a tax
Retiring arsonist passes the torch
Santander leaving the UK to get away from Ant & Dec
Singing groundsman is pitch perfect
Surrey Council charging visitors ten quid to view the Godstone sinkhole
Time travelling villain detained in the nick of time
Trump to make millions selling his own earwax
Trump won't accept birth in Gaza as proof of citizenship
Docholiday
Corrupt Marionette gets off when lawyer pulls a few strings
Pilot searches for lost data in the cloud
FlashArry
Opponents of Trump form 'Axis of Sanity'
Granger
Heaven takes Flack
Spies tell lies - shock revelation!
Trump assassins rethink after hearing Vance
We were lucky to get nil, says Welsh captain
hokeyloci
Westminster pub stops giving out free pint every time Labour scores own goal
hughdwink
NASA Research: Earth wobbling significantly on axis. US obesity epidemic to blame
Trump affirms that all his cabinet nominees have reached puberty
Trump blames bird flu on birds and flu
ian searle
The number of people taking trains this year has risen... British Transport Police are livid!
Trump confirms no tariffs on Vodka or Caviar
Jack the Quipper
Silent Jamiroquai album outsells all previous albums put together
james_doc
Eurasian Lynx found to smell better than Lynx Africa
jeremynh
Bookie crushed by huge pile of betting slips had the odds stacked against him
Horse with colic now in stable condition
jim Skinz
Amazon's first 007 movie to be called On Her Majesty's Secret Safe Place
NHS launches AI medical service: ChatGP
MADJEZ
BBC apologises for persisting with calling Russell Brand a comedian
mcdabble
Liberal America Cancelled
Man arrested for stalking AI generated virtual pop singer
Man unsure if he should be in Imposter Syndrome workshop
Property developer sees great opportunity in Gaza
Sinkhole repair cost to come from levelling-up funds
UK cuts aid to Ukraine to afford more aid for Ukraine
UK politicians want to re-join EU 'Coz they have nukes'
We've got several great concessions, says Trump ... to give Putin
micca Felon talks to war criminal
Mick Turate
Picts to be re-introduced into Scotland in latest rewilding project
Modelmaker
Brothers deny assaulting police boots with their heads at airport
Faint praise for outright winner of passing out competition
Fat Club founder dies from malnutrition
Gromit 'devastated' as Feathers McGraw wins best actor BAFTA in Vengeance Most Fowl
Starmer told "get more views on your YouTube channel by getting Larry the Cat to do stuff on it"
SW London news: Survey reveals that people born in Barnes tend to leave doors open
Wes Streeting says Tory's artificial testicle replacement scheme was shambolic
MrQ
Couple unhappy after cowboy builders convert loft into a saloon
Fat athletes to compete at the Ozempics
Increasing tension between Bomb Squad and Bomb Disposal Squad
Local man hailed for driving a taxi
Man condemned for throwing tennis balls for guide dogs
Man's cold goes viral
Rubbish crisis as bin men insist on working from home
Stricter criteria for weight loss jab to include actually being overweight
Swiss Army still working on a gun
Tourist flabbergasted at how many Londoners drive tractors
Trump burps but quickly pardons himself
Zebras warned crossings will be scrapped if they don't start using them
Oshaughnessy
Sir Jim Ratcliffe sells off Man United goalposts and replaces them with jumpers
rogerg
Cheese prices rising across the board
ron caweleyoni
Amazon replace 007's Aston Martin with a Mercedes Sprinter Van
Starmer rehearses conversation with Trump by talking to a hand
Tonight on The Donald Trump Show my guest is……
sinnick
Trump keeps election promise to stop all wars, by bombing Somalia. Huh?
Sketchly
Tool thefts on the rise. In other news, Prime Minister goes missing
SteveB
Magalomaniacs
'We welcome change' say Bishops preaching from same book for 400 years
Word of the year 2025 is 'Brejoin'
stewartbarclay
Barclays Bank: 'That money was just resting in our account'
Titus
70 yo murderer 'Will serve 21 yrs in prison'. Doctors impressed by skill of prison medical staff
MAGA: Make All Gaza American
Social media site to charge extra for free speech
Starmer willing to send troops to Ukraine. Even British ones
tonymc
Admiral, Air Chief Marshall and General Princess Anne unlikely to be deployed to Ukraine says Starmer
Conservatives complain Starmer deliberately distracting Kemi with his latest package
JD Vance questions Elon Musk's recently discovered Florida Birth Certificate
New records show Jeremy Corbyn involved in JFK shooting says Daily Mail
will
New White House glory hole fitted for Starmer's arrival
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