Nice weather to be described by the papers as a ‘sun nuke’

THE nation’s media has settled on ‘sun nuke’ as the phrase of choice to describe the pleasant weather approaching this week.

Having found ‘warm’ and ‘sunny’ inadequate to describe typical summery conditions, every outlet is to employ a phrase evoking thermonuclear armageddon to remind the public to wear shorts.

Sun editor Stephen Malley said: “We’ve found a meteorologist prepared to say it for £175. His peers will despise him until the day he dies.

“Even ‘scorcher’ doesn’t do justice to the magnitude of heatwave that’s coming, which is far less than that big one the other year. Plus we get to use a big picture of a mushroom cloud, which is fun and not misleading.

“This isn’t a hyperbolic phrase to drive sales. The sun is actually a load of nuclear explosions, apparently, so we also brainstormed ‘solar buttf**k’ and ‘Ra’s revenge’. We have impeccable journalistic standards to meet.

“Don’t get complacent. After we’re due to be hit by a torrential rain dildo, category point two five wind genocides and a festive New Ice Age.”

Bill McKay of Gateshead said: “Sunblock cannot prevent the awesome powers of a nuke. So I’m not putting any on.”