Reform suffering consequences of all being mad bastards

A SCHISM in Reform UK is the inescapable consequence of running a party entirely composed of frothing mad f**kwits, its leader has admitted. 

Nigel Farage, who only sought to retain complete control of the party in every detail, is facing a rebellion from Rupert Lowe on the grounds that he is far more insane and has policies that are even more unworkably right-wing.

Farage said: “Oh dear. This is what comes of only attracting the creme de la bugf**k to your political project.

“Rupert’s just the first to crack, basking as he is in the temporary favour of a mental billionaire threatening to cripple countries on a whim. A blessing from such high-level lunacy is bound to trigger a little episode.

“Naturally our response was perfectly in line with even his most paranoid fantasies: framing him with bullying accusations, calling the police and I hope to have him committed to an asylum within the week.

“But with luminaries like Lee Anderson and Richard Tice on board, this won’t be the first MP I have to muzzle like a rabid dog when they drift so far right they praise Genghis Khan as a great unifier. This is the problem. You can always be more extreme.”

He added: “Of course, none of our MPs even approaches the towering derangement of our voters, God bless ‘em. Never be alone in a room with them.”