Sharks can talk: Batshit things Trump probably thinks but just hasn’t mentioned yet

TRUMP is demanding reparations for Europe somehow cheating America in the past, proving beyond a doubt he is lost in his own mad little world. Here’s what he may well also believe…

He has an IQ of 500

Trump’s many comments about being a genius are not playful trolling – he does genuinely believe he’s highly intelligent. It’s common knowledge that an IQ of 140 is high so, without actually taking a test, Trump will just decide his is 500 because he’s a hopeless egomaniac. He’s certainly unique among geniuses, in that he’s the first one to also be thick as pigshit.

Sharks can talk

Trump has repeatedly expressed a preference for being electrocuted by an electric boat than eaten by a shark. It seems to be a likely scenario in his head, so f**k knows what else he thinks about them. They can talk? Humans can, so why not sharks? And the shark roared in Jaws: The Revenge. That, in Trump’s reality, is evidence enough. Marine biologists haven’t noticed all the talking sharks because they’re dumb.

They still haven’t found the Blair Witch documentary makers

Trump sure as hell doesn’t care about establishing the truth of anything he says, so it’s likely he still believes the late 90s stealth marketing campaign that made The Blair Witch Project a success. In fact it’s frighteningly easy to imagine him earnestly rambling: ‘They’re still out there, those three young people. Josh, Mike, Heather. And Crooked Joe Biden did nothing. Now they’ve been eaten by a witch.’

Aliens built the pyramids

As a moron who watches too much TV, Trump is surely no stranger to Ancient Aliens and it’s only a matter of time before he tells journalists: ‘Experts, they don’t see how humans coulda built the pyramids! It’s impossible!’ His disturbing level of credulity will barely register though, as everyone will rightly be more concerned about his latest real-world mayhem, eg. lending nuclear missiles to Russia.

David Copperfield really did make the Statue of Liberty disappear

Trump probably shakes his head in awe when he remembers this famous 1983 David Copperfield trick, believing it to be real when it was pretty obviously done with some sort of rotating set. Of course, this would also make Copperfield a mass murderer, due to all the ladies he’s sawn in half, but it’s hard to imagine Trump caring about that.

South America belongs to the US

It’s clear by now Trump sees international relations in the crudest possible terms. So there’s a pretty strong argument for South America belonging to the USA because it’s called South AMERICA. This could well be Trump’s next project, so the world can look forward to wasting countless hours on empty threats to invade Brazil, Chile, Argentina and the rest.

Camels store their young in their humps

Trump is exactly the sort of person who learns a dubious fact, gets it wrong, then refuses to change their mind. So he’s probably conflated the misconception about camels’ humps being used to store water with a documentary about kangaroos. His brain is probably stuffed with garbled, untrue drivel like this, which would at least explain why he has no neurons left to understand fairly simple concepts like tariffs.