She’s a waterfall, and other metaphors for women employed by singers trying to get laid

WHAT is she? Definitely not a groupie, no, she’s some form of flattering abstract noun and you’re prepared to elaborate if she takes her top off. These comparisons led to sex: 

[She’s a] Waterfall, The Stone Roses, 1989

She is apparently a waterfall, by which Ian Brown is unclear what he means to the point it makes no less sense backwards. He gives his true feelings away with ‘Free from the filth and the scum, This American satellite’s won’, showing it’s about a girl he wants to dump her knobhead boyfriend for Ian and his dodgy Sky box. Also Ian is in a band.

She’s a Rainbow, The Rolling Stones, 1967

Of course she is, it’s the 60s, colours are in. Adapted from his 1957 original She’s Drab Sepia. The opening line ‘She comes in colours everywhere’ implies the woman is an orgasmic, psychedelic flesh firework as all women desired to be back then, with long hair she combs.

She’s Like the Wind, Patrick Swayze and Wendy Fraser, 1987

‘It’s a period 60s film. You’re a dancer.’ ‘Got it. So you’ll need me to sing an 80s rock track for the soundtrack?’ ‘…fine.’ Patrick Swayze had so much confidence he could flirt with a metaphor better suited to flatulence and still score. Though with someone who was, technically and legally, a child.

[She’s a] Maniac, Michael Sembello, 1983

Most only use this to describe an ex, but Sembello ain’t afraid to switch shit around. ‘It can cut you like a knife, if the gift becomes the fire,’ he explains, which is as close a request for full penetrative sex as metaphors will allow. He all but suggests she leave her legwarmers on.

She’s a Lady, Tom Jones, 1971

Being able to identify a woman as sure-footedly as Tom Jones could was a massive turn-on for women in the early 70s, used to being taken for long-haired dope-smoking men by rednecks in pick-up trucks. It was a relief just not to be beaten for dodging the draft.

She’s Electric, Oasis, 1995

Total f**king nonsense with a tune borrowed from 1970s BBC show for pre-schoolers You and Me. Soon to be transfixing a stadium near you, leaving thousands weeping tears of lager.