The Onion’s Summer Box Office Preview

The Surfer: Nicolas Cage stars in a psychological thriller about the horrors of not knowing whether young people are making fun of you or not.

Another Simple Favor: In this sequel to the 2018 hit A Simple Favor, you’ll come for the outfits, stay for the outfits, and leave wondering if the outfits were worth it all.

Juliet & Romeo: Whoa, they changed the order of the names? Anything could happen in this crazy flick!

Thunderbolts*: Stick around for the post-credits scene where Florence Pugh stares blankly down at the eight-figure paycheck in her hands, remembering there was a point in her career when she was in Little Women.

Rust: Box offices are betting that fans will show up for this big-budget prequel to The Baldwins.

Karate Kid: Legends: In the latest installment of this action drama series, Daniel LaRusso returns to train a new protégé in the art of eating frozen yogurt in a gi after getting out of karate class.

Hurry Up Tomorrow: If we band together, we might be able to white-knuckle it through the Weeknd’s acting phase.

Transformers: The Interminables: If you thought the last seven Transformers movies were confusing, just wait until you hear all the completely incomprehensible gibberish about Forasic Stones, Shields of Time, and Wind Decoders they’re spewing in this one.

F1: Brad Pitt anchors this sports action film that tries its damnedest to convince us race car drivers are athletes.

Smurfs: A musical fantasy comedy voiced by a star-studded cast, with graphic sex scenes that technically don’t count as porn because Smurfs don’t have human genitalia.

NCIS: If putting a couple episodes of the CBS drama onto the big screen is what it takes to get people to come back to theaters, then so be it.

The Fantastic Four: First Steps: This is never going to end, huh? No matter how many of these movies bomb, it’s just going to be like this for-fucking-ever, isn’t it?

Together: Dave Franco and Alison Brie play a codependent couple desperate to avoid public association with their real-life brother and brother-in-law.

From The World Of John Wick: Ballerina: A movie so good they have to mention a different movie in the title.

The Fugitive: The Fugitive is awesome. It’s never a bad time to watch The Fugitive.