Trump’s First 100 Days

After taking the oath of office, presidents historically have only a short time to achieve their major policy goals before midterm elections and shifts in public sentiment catch up to them. Here, The Onion takes a deep dive into the likeliest milestones in President Donald J. Trump’s first hundred days.

Day 1: Pull big red lever labeled “Deport”

Day 3: Get new red marker for crossing names off enemies list

Day 9: Install secret junk food fridge that RFK Jr. can’t find

Day 17: Imprison Stormy Daniels in pornographic terrarium

Day 23: Get JD Vance to stop staring at him

Day 45: Take time to appreciate gutting the little things

Day 61: Check out changes to D.C. restaurant scene

Day 79: Imprison all 6,978 Americans named Jack Smith, just in case

Day 93: Treat self to a “me day”

Day 100: Have stroke

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