Dad ready to unleash summer of lawnsplaining hell

THE arrival of summer has primed a father to condescendingly share his exhaustive lawn care knowledge with his ignorant family.

Amid soaring temperatures, Bill McKay’s wife and children are bracing themselves for a punishing few months of patronising lectures about strategic watering, higher lawnmower settings and phosphates.

Daughter Hannah said: “See that twitch in his left eye? Any second now, he’ll launch into an impassioned rant about why we mustn’t even think about aerating the soil.

“The slightest irritation sets him off. Perhaps mum won’t use the correct amount of lawnfeed, or maybe he’ll notice a single brown blade of grass. It’s not a question of if he’ll erupt, but when we’ll get a lecture about grass health that even Gardeners’ Question Time would cut for being too technical and unconsciously sexual.” 

Wife Mary said: “Forget swarms of holidaymakers and clothes sopping with backsweat, getting talked down to about weed management by my own husband is by far the worst part of summer. I’d rather get heat stroke.

“Nobody will be safe when he blows. We’ll be taken out instantly, obviously, but everyone in a 50-foot radius will suffer from the fallout of his green-fingered tirades. I dream of concreting over the f**ker and parking my Kia Sportage on it.” 

McKay said: “I notice you’re using a broadleaf herbicide during extreme heat. Allow me to tell you at length how f**king wrong you are.”