How to sneak off and phone the police when your friends start doing drugs

AT A party with teenage friends? Spotted a mate with a joint? Your duty to society and your friend is to contact the police immediately. Here’s how to snitch responsibly: 

Make sure it’s definitely a crime

You’ve never done drugs yourself, because they’re wrong. However, you’ve spotted a friend shredding herbs into a roll-up like you’ve seen in Scorsese movies and like your mother warned you would happen when you went to sixth form in the big bad metropolis of Stevenage. Those herbs are unlikely to be nutmeg.

Make an excuse to slip out

Even at a July barbecue, mumble you need to nip in for your coat. They’re so fried on wacky baccy they won’t notice the gap in logic, even if they did somehow get decent AS-level results. Stand inconspicuously in a wardrobe and call 999, confirming to the operator that this is certainly an emergency as only moments remain before they turn to heroin.

Use codewords

Unable to find a secluded area to contact police from? Deploying universally understood codes will let them know an armed response wouldn’t be excessive. ‘There’s a chemistry experiment taking place in N9 and I’m not here for extracurricular activities. I ain’t no rasta, bruv’ should do it. If they say ‘What the actual f**k?’ that means ‘Message understood.’

Prepare to be surprised

Return to the throng and airily throw them off the scent by saying ‘Great there’s no pigs here to see we’re violating the 2001 Misuse of Drugs Act!’ Eliminate suspicion by suggesting drug-adjacent music like Bob Marley, Snoop Dogg or Hawkwind be played. They’ll never suspect.

Run

When you hear the front door being rammed down, run. This could end up in the local news, you hiding your face behind a suit jacket, and ruin your chance of an apprenticeship.  Yell out a plausible excuse as you hurdle the back gate, like forgetting to feed the tortoise or inhaling their smoke and seeing David Bowie fly past riding a dragon.

Maintain the friendship

If your mates link your surreptitious phone call, your swift exit and your delight at their caution, explain that it’s only for their own good as there’s a real risk of them ending up living in a bin, like you saw in a video at school. Say ‘Would you rather be a dead junkie?’ If the police unaccountably fail to appear, write a letter to the Telegraph.