‘I definitely know more than just Paranoid’: six people mourning Ozzy Osbourne today

THE world is paying tribute to metal god Ozzy Osbourne, who died yesterday. These are just a few of the many mourning the Prince of Darkness: 

Joseph Turner, aged 28, swears he knows more than just Paranoid

“God, it’s just so sad isn’t it? They don’t come much bigger than Ozzy. It’s hard to narrow down my favourite song by his band, but it’s probably Paranoid. Bit of a deep cut but worth listening to. I definitely know more about him than that but it’s too painful for me to think about right now.”

Emma Bradford, aged 40, watched The Osbournes religiously

“On this black day, I’m going to pay my respects to Ozzy by stumbling around my house and shouting ‘Sharon?’ while clearly out of it. Not sure why the media’s focusing on his heavy metal legacy and not that without his groundbreaking show we’d never have had The Real Housewives of The Kardashians. That’s what he did for the world.”

Tom Booker, aged 43, Brummie

“This hasn’t hit anyone harder than me. Ozzy was a standard-bearer for decent music from the Black Country, proving our region isn’t just a sinkhole of shite. What are we left with now? Duran Duran? UB40? That duo of Christmas bastards Roy Wood and Noddy Holder?”

Bill McKay, aged 62, admirer of Ozzy’s wildman antics

“When I mourn Ozzy, I also mourn the wider state of the music industry. How far it has fallen that Bob Vylan chanting shit counts as controversy these days. Ozzy’s decade of alcoholism spurred him on to real crazy antics, and I think it’s a terrible shame today’s musicians aren’t similarly reckless and deranged.”

Kelly Howard, aged 18, metalhead

“Without Ozzy there would be no heavy metal. It’s as simple as that. And for people like me who like to express their independence by listening to carefully marketed music and buying into a certain uniform look, that world doesn’t bear thinking about.Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to listen to his top ten most popular tracks on Spotify.”

Satan, aged 6,025, ruler of the Underworld

“It’s only fitting that the Lord of Darkness pays his respects to the Prince. Earth has become an even more bleak and dismal realm with Ozzy’s departure, with the nine circles of my excruciating domain looking idyllic in comparison. Sleep well, my brother in diabolical anarchy, may flights of gargoyles sing thee to thy rest.”