Inquiry into North Sea ship collision to focus on how big North Sea is

AN inquiry into the collision of two ships in the North Sea will begin by outlining the sheer size of the North Sea, making avoidance piss-easy. 

After establishing that this is an area covering 220,000 square miles which is largely empty in every direction as far as the distant horizon, the inquiry will also bring up the relevant fact that one of the vessels in question was stationary.

Bill McKay, a maritime safety expert, said: “There is a lot to collide with in the North Sea, if you count the landmasses at the edges.

“Otherwise, finding something solid to smash into at top speed is quite the quest. There’s 184 oil rigs but while that seems a lot they’re quite widely dispersed. You sort of have to know where to find them.

“So for me the inquiry would really zero in on the statistical improbability of managing to locate a ship in a largely empty area to ram into at full speed. And how a trained captain with radar, radio and functioning eyes contrived to do that.

“Mentioning the exorbitantly toxic cargoes of both vessels and the extra care that should be taken when loaded up with sodium cyanide would also be nice. Just as a reminder to others.”