New vegan communion wafer ‘tastes just like Jesus’, promises Vatican

THE Vatican has promised that its new range of vegan communion wafers still taste exactly like the flesh and blood of Jesus.

Instead of transforming communion wafers into the Body of Christ during Mass, priests can now offer a cruelty-free, soya-based alternative to Jesus meat.

Pope Francis said: “Jesus paid the ultimate price so vegans don’t have to. The new ‘Meatless Messiah’ brand wafer does not compromise on flavour or mouth-feel. Amen to that.

“Everyone is surprised by how similar to real Jesus it is. Just don’t ask me how transubstantiation actually works. Explaining that is a job for the Pope, and he’s busy.” 

The rollout of the wafers will include an advertising campaign with the slogan ‘The Father, the Soy and the Holy Ghost’, which will emphasise the low-calorie nature of wafers and imaginary flesh to attract new believers aiming to lose weight.

Catholic Mary Fisher said: “This is a huge relief for vegan Catholics like myself. Meat is murder, even if Jesus is the son of God and got resurrected surprisingly quickly.”

A Vatican spokesperson said it was now considering a collaboration with Oatly for a plant-based Blood of Christ energy drink.