Samuel Smith’s pubs far f**king freakier than Wetherspoons, UK agrees

BRITISH drinkers have agreed both Samuel Smith and Wetherspoons pubs are freakshows with an alcohol license but the former has the edge. 

While both are deliberately atmosphere-free with menus chosen to discourage diners and a clientele like a grim warning of your alcoholic future, Wetherspoons does not make you hide your phone under the table as if you were at school.

Beer drinker Nathan Muir said: “While most pubs endeavour to make their premises as hospitable as possible, Samuel Smith is perversely pushing in the opposite direction.

“No music. No TV, laptops or phones, as if you’d wandered into a particularly dour and obsessive 1950s re-enactment club looking for a nice pint.

“Speaking of which, they only have their own weird brands. Want a Guinness? Tough shit, you’re having Taddy Porter, whatever the f**k that is. How about a Nut Brown Ale? Tastes as vile as licking Nigel Farage.

“Plus you’re not allowed to swear, so God forbid you get tipsy and gregarious and drop in a ‘shite’ while chatting your mates. They call the local bobby to wash your mouth out with soap.

“Wetherspoons is where you go when you’ve decided to drink yourself to death. That’s relatable. Samuel Smiths are the theme pub in the resettlement camp of an alternative fascist Britain.

“Still, the toilets don’t take ten minutes to walk to. Wetherspoons win on that front.”