Six painful steps to reconnecting with that mate who can get you weed

HE isn’t only a drug dealer; he thinks he’s a mate. Which means performing an intricate dance of feigned friendship to get what you want. Follow these steps: 

Text about their T-shirt printing business

Weed’s just a side hustle for your guy. He has a legitimate thing, usually to do with printing, textiles or ceramics because if he could run a proper business he wouldn’t need to sell weed. Express interest carefully to avoid being locked into the wrong purchase. Fake that you want advice on running your own, and you’re off and running.

Wait a fortnight

Remember, he doesn’t run on the same timeframe as the straight world. Two weeks is a blink between spliffs to him, and a message two days later will be unforgivable hassle. You’ve got the patience to wait it out because you’re focused, well-disciplined and he has really good shit.

Repeat step one exactly

He won’t remember, not consciously. But his vague feeling of deja vu will cause him to mistake familiarity for friendship, generate warmth towards you and push him to actually follow through on plans. ‘This guy isn’t just using me,’ he’ll think, wrongly. ‘He’s the real deal. So what if he always happens to have £90 in cash on him? Coincidence.’

Meet up

You’re close, so close you can smell the Blueberry Kush. So it’s never been more important to play it cool. Act casual, sip tea, enquire about his relationships or predictable interest in adult comics, Babylon 5 or vaguely left-wing politics. No sudden moves towards the Rizlas.

Let him steer the conversation

Resist the temptation to bring up weed or weed-related subjects. Keep it straight, and keep Amsterdam, the life and times of Snoop Dogg and children’s television of the 1980s out of it. Let his conversation arc, as it will, naturally bend towards the subject of ganja. Say disingenuously ‘Oh yeah, I forgot you smoke,’ like you’ve practiced in the mirror.

Wait for him to offer

For the con to work, it has to seem like the mark’s idea. He needs to bring up going back to his for a smoke. He has to volunteer helping you out with a friendly purchase. Keep your gratitude restrained and refrain from punching the air until you’ve left his flat. Then forget to text him because stoned, let your fake friendship lapse, and in three months when you need to score again please reread this for further instructions.