They need to dump their side chicks, and other reasons men want to take relationships slow

MEN getting into a new relationship often want to take things slow, but why? Find out with this depressingly honest guide.

They have to become a fake version of themselves

No one enters a relationship as their authentic self, and men need to construct a semi-palatable version of their identity to trick women into loving them. It takes time to come across as a relatively functional human being, and that’s why they stop things moving too fast. Don’t worry, it’s not a sign of a controlling, manipulative personality. They’ll immediately revert to being a farting, uncommunicative, badly-dressed slob once the relationship is official.

Dates are f**king expensive

Most men know that the patriarchy is an oppressive societal construction that women are all too willing to reap the minor benefits of, such as not paying for the first few dates. And given that wages are about five years behind inflation, men need to stagger their dates to one every two months if they want to stand a chance of buying food for themselves in between.

They’ve just got out of ruining someone else’s life

It’s not advisable to go straight from one relationship you destroyed with your lies and infuriating slackness to the next. Men need time to decompress between f**king things up last time and to process complex emotions like hunger and horniness. Don’t worry though ladies, once he’s had a burger and a wank he’ll be all too ready to be a deadbeat boyfriend again.

They need to dump their side chicks

A man may have told you he’s not dating anyone else, but that was an outright lie. The first few weeks of a relationship will see him stall for time as he goes about the delicate operation of ditching one or more slam pieces who thought they were on course to be girlfriends. Don’t think ill of him for this – it just proves he’s a good catch if he lies a bit. Consider yourself lucky you made the final cut.

They’re too ’emotionally available’

Men may present themselves as simple creatures who are barely capable of feeling love, but that’s actually a clever deception. In reality, men feel emotions much more powerfully than women, so they have to protect their tender hearts from hurt by moving things at a glacial pace. It’s well worth the wait though when they finally open up and confirm their lukewarm affection around the seven-year mark.