Unpopular Pete Hegseth Forced To Drink Lunch Alone

WASHINGTON—Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to drink his lunch alone Wednesday. 

According to witnesses, the 44-year-old former Fox News host wandered through the lunchroom and took slow, deliberate steps past tables filled with jovial military officers who quickly turned away from him to avoid making eye contact. After locating an empty table in an isolated corner, Hegseth is said to have sat down and begun slowly unloading a brown paper sack that concealed a 750-milliliter bottle of Dewar’s White Label blended scotch, a 12-ounce Miller Lite, and an airplane-sized nip of Fireball for dessert.

“Well, I guess I’m on my own today,” said Hegseth, standing out in stark contrast to the rest of the cafeteria’s occupants, who sat packed around tables chatting enthusiastically with their colleagues. “I was really hoping to be able to hang out with all my awesome friends at the Department of Defense today, but there was only one seat left, and they told me they were saving it for someone else.”

“It’s no big deal, though. I actually wanted to sit alone,” Hegseth added. “But if anyone needs a seat, these chairs are totally open.” 

Several reports indicated this was the third day in a row Hegseth had been shunned by personnel from the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, leaving him no choice but to drink lunch by himself. Witnesses confirmed that when Hegseth walked by several tables with open seats, his fellow Pentagon employees moved hastily to cover empty chairs with their bags and coats as he passed.

A wide-eyed, grinning Hegseth was reportedly even so bold as to approach a table of prominent, highly decorated U.S. Navy officers and—undeterred by their icy body language—pull up a chair to sit down. A slurring Hegseth then attempted to engage in small talk until the members of the group rolled their eyes, picked up their trays all at once, and told the defense secretary to “fuck off.” 

“No way is that loser Hegseth sitting with us,” said Adm. Christopher Grady, vice chairman of the joint chiefs of staff, who looked over his shoulder and scoffed at the sight of Hegseth hunched over his bottle and muttering to himself. “That guy is so weird. I don’t care how pathetic he looks over there moping all by himself. He smells like shit, it looks like he hasn’t changed clothes in a week, and he needs to take a shower.”

“Yesterday he came up to my table carrying a bottle of Aquafina that I’m pretty sure he had emptied out and refilled with vodka,” Grady continued. “His breath reeked so bad I thought I was going to puke.”

On Wednesday, Hegseth was seen trying to sit down with a pair of bespectacled cybersecurity officials as a last resort, but they immediately moved their laptops and turned their backs to him. He stood up from their table only to bump into a tall, muscular four-star Army general and spill whiskey all over himself, at which point the entire Pentagon cafeteria burst out in raucous laughter.

“Aw, no, no, no!” said Hegseth, who looked down, noticed the Dewar’s dripping down the front of his pants, and hastily attempted to cover it with his hands. “I swear I didn’t piss myself. I just spilled whiskey on my suit. See?”

“Everyone stop laughing,” the defense secretary screamed before running off in tears to hide in the Pentagon bathroom. “Stop it!”

At press time, a concerned Pentagon custodian had reportedly discovered Hegseth fast asleep on the restroom floor.

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