War! I knew something was missing, says Starmer

KEIR Starmer has admitted he knew something was missing from the wonderful state of Britain he was so lucky as to inherit, and it turns out war was it. 

The prime minister has been dogged by a nagging sense that a moribund economy, inflation, collapsing public services and immense national debt were not quite enough, and has now found the final piece of the puzzle.

He said “War! That was it! A protracted, expensive and demoralising war!

“I admit I had entertained hopes of a nice little Falklandsy one in 2028, easily won and vote-boosting, but this seems like the full nightmarish quagmire that’s impossible to extricate your country from. The old Starmer luck’s come good again.

“So now I’ve got to rebuild a chronically underfunded army, explain to the young there’s no mental health days on the frontline, and somehow stay friends with a rabid White House f**kwit who takes the continued existence of Europe as a personal slight.

“I could try not to get involved, but that tends not to go well for Britain, our continental neighbours and despots hell-bent on military advances. And even the gammons into this kind of thing don’t like me.

“Oh well, war it is. Good thing you didn’t elect a leftie!”