We ask you: is Britain f**king trying to lose Eurovision?

AFTER a narrow escape with Sam Ryder, is the UK choosing our Eurovision entry so we fail and dodge the expense of hosting its humiliating spectacle? 

Hannah Tomlinson, entomologist: “The group we’ve chosen reached the quarters of The Voice in 2019. That is by definition the cream of Britain’s musical talent.”

Denys Finch Hatton, barrister: “67 years of flamboyant freaks with light-up nipples singing upside down in a flaming longship winning, and we enter a girl group. Nul points in the bag.”

Oliver O’Connor, town crier: “Remember that year we almost sent them Katie Price seven months pregnant in a pink PVC catsuit? In retrospect it was obvious we’d Brexit.”

Will McKay, theatrical dresser: “Where’s it being held? Switzerland. Neutral. So it would seem the organisers of Eurovision knew continent-wide war was coming.”

Steven Malley, roofer: “But nobody will vote for us anyway, because everyone hates us. We’re Europe’s Millwall.”