Wetherspoon’s Steak Club is over and with it, Britain

THE pub chain’s decision to scrap Steak Club means the country has no future other than decline and depopulation. 

After Steak Club was retired nationwide, the UK can expect the abdication of the King, the dissolution of parliament, the clearing of cities as Britons flee to foreign climes and finally the closing of our empty, defeated nation entirely.

Jim Bates, aged 56, said: “There ain’t no party like an S-Club party, and it happened every Tuesday.

“Without it – without that slab of seared meat dumped indifferently on your table by a 19-year-old who’s not speaking to the chef after a regrettable hook-up a fortnight ago – what’s left? Of Albion? Of who we once were?

“The last bastion of our nation is gone. The one place you could have taken Henry the Eighth if he was cast through time and searching for anything familiar he could call England, and for under a tenner with selected pints.

“What is there left of the country we once knew? Even watching Pointless becomes hollow. I’m retraining as a yak herder and moving to the Hindu Kush. I suggest you do the same.”

He added: “In retrospect, making the first two rules of Steak Club not talking about Steak Club was a mistake. What? They weren’t? Well f**k me.”