Woman only smug about boyfriend because friends are dating worst dickheads imaginable

A WOMAN confident her relationship is superior to others is technically correct, but only because every other couple she knows is a car crash. 

Charlotte Phelps believes she has ascended to the lofty heights of true and unparalleled love simply because she can manage short, perfunctory conversations without her boyfriend screaming and throwing frozen shrimp.

Charlotte said: “I am so lucky to be with James. We eat dinner and he doesn’t comment on my weight at all, while I remain silent about his f**king slurping. It’s so perfect.

“Lucy’s boyfriend disappeared for two weeks and came back with an STI. Jordan’s girlfriend had a secret OnlyFans and was a decade older than she’d said. Meanwhile, James is out here responding to my texts with up to three emojis!

“I feel bad for my friends that we’re such an inspirational couple. Even when we argue we rarely insult each others’ families or sexual habits, usually we’re speaking again within three days, and he’s never once locked me in the wardrobe. What did I do to deserve such emotional intelligence?

“I try not to be smug when Harrison’s boyfriend steals his car and crashes it, or Dan’s wife discovers his Tinder, Hinge and Bumble accounts, but honestly we’re the best couple I know.”

Partner James Bates said:  “The secret to being a good boyfriend is to just be fractionally better than those of her friends. My ex’s best friend’s husband used to hoover unprompted so she dumped me. Thankfully Charlotte has a much lower bar.”