All men punching

EVERY man in a heterosexual relationship is by default punching above his weight, research has shown. 

An eight-year project by the Institute for Studies shows that men routinely break wind, scratch inappropriately and engage in futile fantasy football competitions, while women radiate charm, pleasantness and a nice floral scent.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “In every heterosexual pairing, there is one individual who moisturises, listens and has soft, wonderful bosoms. The other is a man.

“The discrepancy is staggering. While women are serene goddesses running entire households, comforting distressed pets and remembering their partner’s blood type, they are shackled to porn-addicted, Xbox-obsessed troglodytes.

“The only area in which men were ahead was knowing where the HDMI cables were kept and what they connected to. For this they expect sex several times a week?

“Every man in a relationship with a woman is lucky to have her. By contrast, every woman in a relationship with a man could do so much better.”

Man Oliver O’Connor said: “My wife is kind, clever and sexy, yet I do have qualities that she lacks. For example, I do a fantastic impression of Sean Connery if he were a goose.”