Carcinogens ranked, from cigarettes to talcum powder

EVERYTHING in the world gives you cancer, even reading this sentence. So it’s time for an honest assessment about what’s worth it and what isn’t. Here’s the ranking:

Talcum powder

It was always shite, and now it turns out to be asbestos? Once thought a necessity of baby-changing for reasons now unclear, parents have managed without it these last few decades. Being exposed as a killer isn’t going to give it any sexy edge.

Non-stick cookware

Whether through the simple act of frying, or because the non-stick coating apparently able to adhere to the f**king Space Shuttle during re-entry comes off on your spatula, the PFAs involved cause cancer. And you were trying to have a healthy omelette.

Barbecued meats

Now we’re getting to stuff you’d actually miss, but only in its ideal form. The perfect barbecue of lightly charred, sticky, delicious ribs? Worth it. The actual barbecue of burnt-yet-frozen burgers drowned in gloopy sweet sauce, consumed in a sudden rainstorm? Not.

The sun

Causes cancer but also all life on earth, so has to be said to be a net positive. Too much sun can kill you, but for Britons that’s always been very much a hypothetical problem. We slap on factor 50 during our annual fortnights by the Med, what else do you want? It’s not like we can avoid the bastard entirely.

Ultra-processed food

Which goes double for this. Everything you throw into the big shop to cover up the unpalatable reality of vegetables, from bread to cereal to ready meals, is ultra-processed and a cancer risk. But can you imagine giving up – actually doing without from now to the end of your joyless days – crisps? Obviously not. It would be to give up on life.

Cigarettes

Fags get a bad press from all those pesky non-smokers. ‘I don’t smoke and I don’t see why anyone does,’ they bleat, and grudgingly they have a point. But sparking up a gasper after that first couple of pints? Drawing deeply on one after a stressful day? Using it to punctuate conversation? That it kills you is what makes it cool.

Alcohol

Yeah, nobody’s giving this up. Often overlooked as a carcinogen because of the much greater risk of alcoholism, doctors are in no doubt this is a major contributing factor to cancer. And cancer of the arsehole, what’s more. Yeah. Stressful to think about, isn’t it, all this bloody cancer everywhere. You know what would help with that? A drink.