Penis size displayed on windscreen: Six other punitive measures for SUV drivers

CARDIFF plans to charge SUV drivers more to park, an idea that may be adopted elsewhere. But given the annoyance value of these vehicles, harsher measures are in order. Like these.

Penis size to be displayed at all times

A huge SUV is often thought to be a compensation mechanism for a small dick, and male owners will now be required to confirm this by displaying their penis length on the windscreen at all times. Self-measurement is forbidden; a certified health professional will be required. Is penis-shaming men unacceptable in these woke times? Not if they drive an SUV.

SUVs to be given more cringeworthy names

Range Rover Evoque, Vauxhall Mokka, Skoda Kodiaq – SUV names are clearly intended to appeal to the worst kind of taste-free aspirational twats. To deter SUV use they will now have the most embarrassing and pretentious names possible: The Vauxhall Ladyboy, the Skoda Epstein, and, with rare thanks to Jacob Rees-Mogg, the Range Rover Floccinaucinihilipilification. 

50 per cent of journeys must be off-road

If you only use your SUV for the school run and trips to Waitrose, you will be legally compelled to do the same mileage off-road by pointlessly traversing the Brecon Beacons. This is the terrain your SUV is intended for. If you live nowhere near the Brecon Beacons, as most people don’t, tough shit. The environmental damage will be more than offset by the hilarity of BMW X3s tumbling down precipitous slopes.

Crusher used to make SUVs narrower

The excessive width of SUVs will be reduced by giving them a gentle squeeze in a car crusher, solving the problem of other motorists being unable to open their car doors properly when parked alongside them. This will obviously cause extensive damage to the SUV, but it will be nice to get out of your normal-sized car in the Asda car park without feeling like Harry f**king Houdini.

Fines for irksome excuses

There are numerous supposed justifications for owning an SUV. These are tedious and frequently involve humblebragging, so the public will be encouraged to ‘snitch’ on SUV owners via a government hotline. Examples of excuses and the fines they will incur are:

● ‘I’ve got used to the improved visibility of an elevated driving position.’ Fine: £400

● ‘I need to tow a horse box.’ Fine: £2,500

● ‘I just feel better knowing my kids are safe.’ Fine: £1,000,000

SUVs replaced with actual tractors  

SUVs are often referred to as ‘Chelsea tractors’ and are indeed more suited to farming tasks, so they’ll gradually be confiscated by the police and replaced, gratis, with a hulking Massey Ferguson. Yes, your daughter with have to awkwardly squeeze into a corner of the driver’s cab as you slowly chug to cello lessons, and every built-up area will be a nightmare to navigate, but isn’t a stupidly big vehicle what you wanted? You should be delighted.