Farage pledges elite force of hefty, red-faced men

NIGEL Farage has pledged to stamp out crime by recruiting a new force of large middle-aged men fortified with cooked breakfasts. 

The new SGPG, or Special Gammon Patrol Group, will exclusively be made up of men over six feet tall, over 16 stone in weight, and trained in enforcing common bloody sense.

He said: “Nobody feels safe when they see a policewoman. As well as being small they’re emotional, and may arrest you for not complimenting their earrings.

“What we need is men over 40 pounding the beat, stopping on every corner for a cigarette, popping in every pub for a pint, resting on garden walls to catch their breath. Proper community policing.

“Nobody will dare commit a crime with these absolute units around. They have only to step in front of an Albanian phone thief fleeing on an E-bike and he’d bounce off their mighty guts. And they won’t be afraid to judge on skin colour, in fact it’ll be their key criteria.

“Currently, everyone in Britain is afraid to go the shops and everyone in London has been murdered. Once we get these lads lumbering the streets that will be over. We’re the party of law and order, apart from our MPs.”

He added: “How would they police riots outside migrant hotels? They wouldn’t.”