Whatever you’re up to I will find you and destroy you, by Chris Martin

By Chris Martin, former Coldplay singer turned judge of all the earth

I ALWAYS knew I would find my purpose in life. That being leader of the world’s most insipid stadium rock act was only filling time until I discovered it. 

And now, after the Boston incident, I know what I was always meant to be: a vigilante punishing wrongdoing from whom nobody in this world is safe.

Who else? Who holds higher moral ground than I? A vegan, a father, proudly carbon-neutral, privately educated yet not elitist. I was born to sit in judgement over you. Confidentially, I already do.

But it wasn’t until I exposed infidelity on the kiss-cam, forcing a man’s resignation and wrecking his life, that I felt the savage glee of true righteousness. That I truly felt alive. And as I watched the repercussions and shattered lives, my joy only grew.

I realised what I should have known all along, given Coldplay’s music: I hate you all, I’m better than you all, and I was put on this world to hurt you.

So that’s me, from now on. Using my millions to hunt you out and ruin you. Cheating on your husband? Stealing from the self-service till? Slacking off at work? I’m coming for you. My cameras are everywhere.

You will be caught. You will go viral. The whole world will laugh but with an edge of nervous terror, knowing they can and will be next. No matter how minor your misdeed I will film it, I will share it, and I will f**king destroy you.

God, it feels so refreshing to say that finally. It’s a real burden lifted. Really excited for my reign of beige terror.