Pubs bracing themselves for sober, civil Lionesses fans

PUBS across England are bracing themselves to be overrun by women watching the England-Italy semi-final in a serious, respectful manner. 

As the Lionesses play for their place in the Euro 2025 final, hostelries are steeling themselves for crowds of well-adjusted fans who will enjoy a couple of gins while watching the game without causing disruption.

Roy Hobbs, landlord of The Woolpack in Ipswich, said: “The eerie silence that fills the place on match days unnerves me the most. It’s the calm before the calm.

“Come this evening, this place will be swamped with a smallish crowd of polite, level-headed football fans whispering about Wiegman’s tactics. I just hope we’ve got enough Beck’s Blues in to satisfy their moderate thirst.

“And God help me if England lose. Watching these women cheerfully acknowledge that the better team won before leaving quietly so as not to annoy our neighbours will be harrowing.

“Maybe if I ask nicely one of them will chuck a stool through a window or start a fight in the car park. If not for themselves to make me feel safer.”

Lionesses fan Nikki Hollis said: “Sure, it’d be nice if we go through, but we won the f**ker last time. We’d need decades of bitter failure to be as twatty as the men.”