Male terms of endearment, ranked

MEN cannot express affection towards other men and even choosing between a ‘mate’, a ‘dude’ or even a ‘fella’ is a minefield. Use this ranking to guide you: 

10. Chum

Unless you’re an anthropomorphic duck in a Disney film, do not refer to your male friends as ‘chum’. If used against a stranger, you are starting a fight.

9. Geez

Ideal for cafes serving jellied eels or on the sets of Guy Ritchie films, but travels no further than that. Any attempted use north of Stafford may result in violence.

8. Matey

No spoilers, but ‘mate’ does pretty well on this list. The addition of a single letter, however, does untold damage to its acceptability. Reserved for fictional pirates, parents addressing toddler sons, and a 1970s children’s bubble bath.

7. Boss

The only people entitled to use the term ‘boss’ are kebab shop owners. Being called ‘boss’ is one of this country’s great honours, equivalent to a knighthood. That incredible rush should not be undermined by overuse.

6. Fella

Roughly one in every 50 men uses the word ‘fella’ as a term of endearment. Nobody knows where these men come from or where they got such confidence, but it may be related to their knowing how to fix your boiler.

5. Son

Manages to be both friendly and incredibly condescending at the same time. You have to wait till you’ve reached a certain age, but from then on there’s years of fun to be had. Which is good because you’ll have f**k all else to fill your time by that point.

4. Dude

Should it be this high, given its Californian connotations? Yes, because secretly every man wishes he was wearing a backwards baseball cap, performing gnarly skate tricks, and perpetually stoned. Even a vicar.

3. Bro

The position of ‘bro’ here is a sad indictment of the Americanisation of Britain. Not 30 years ago you’d have been tarred and feathered for using it unironically. Nowadays it’s nothing.

2. Pal

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. In another world, ‘pal’ could have easily topped this list – but sadly it exists during the same period as the undisputed GOAT.

1. Mate

‘Mate’ is truly the great leveller of male terms. Bus driver? Mate. Best friend of 40 years? Mate. Worst enemy? Mate. King Charles III? Mate. For usefulness and versatility it’s unparalleled. If it wasn’t for the word ‘mate’ huge swathes of British men would be unable to talk to one another at all, and be forced to confide in women.