‘Play one off your two good albums!’: Helpful things to shout at tonight’s Oasis gig

ATTENDING an Oasis reunion gig? So stupefied by the magnitude of the occasion that you don’t know what to shout? Try these:

‘Play one off your two good albums!’

Having not been together for a while, the boys may have forgotten that five of their seven albums are largely shite. They must be encouraged to play only the good early ones. Add ‘Definitely Maybe and Morning Glory, specifically!’ if they need an extra nudge.

‘You’re the guitarist!’

Sometimes Noel steps up to the microphone to sing even though it’s not his field of expertise. Discourage him.

‘It is not inclement enough to need a coat!’

Despite being in Cardiff in the monsoon season of July, it is not forecast to rain at tonight’s gig. If the Gallaghers take the stage wearing all-weather anoraks as is their wont, remind them it is unnecessary. It is forecast to rain tomorrow, obviously. This is Wales.

‘Yes! Yes, you are, this evening, a rock ’n’ roll star!’

He seems to want confirmation.

‘Call him a potato!’

Gen Z Oasis fans are less familiar with the band for their music than for their fights and are more interested in seeing memes performed live than songs. Accompany requests for Liam to call his brother a potato with a hail of thrown tubers and the band will thank you.

‘This seat was certainly worth £250 more than the one immediately adjacent!’

The Blur-backing media has done nothing but carp about dynamic pricing, determined to ruin everyone’s good time. Stand up for this innovative practice by confirming how delighted you were to buy the platinum package despite its benefits being hazy.

‘Anyone got a bump?’

Cocaine and Oasis go together like drinking heavily and Oasis, so ask those around you for chemical assistance. If they don’t, you have a valuable excuse for not enjoying the gig.

‘What do you reckon City’s chances are next season?’

During the mid-set lull, where against your advice songs from Be Here Now to Dig Out Your Soul are played as if they were good, make conversation. Both brothers are huge City fans so will be glad to weigh in on whether Foden can step up to replace De Bruyne. It may be the only part of the evening they’re fully engaged with.

‘You’re saving Champagne Supernova for the encore? Makes sense!’

As the end of the gig approaches, you will suddenly realise Oasis have not performed one of their signature songs and what’s more, one with an anthemic melody suitable for singing along to. They’re leaving the stage? This is a disaster! Oh, thank God, they’re back.

‘That wasn’t as disappointing as the Stone Roses reunion!’

High praise indeed.