Spoiler alert: Mone to get away with it

LOOK away if you do not want to ruin the outcome, but Tory peer Michelle Mone will pay back none of the £122m she ripped Britain off for and will face no consequences.

Fans of the little parlour games the UK plays with wealthy Conservatives should stop reading now if they want to enjoy this as if the outcome was not predetermined, but PPE Medpro missing the deadline to repay the cash is basically the end of it.

Health secretary Wes Streeting said: “We will pursue them with everything we’ve got to get that money back! Did that sound good? Did I come across like a Chaser?

“In reality that money’s been shuffled between shell corporations, thoroughly offshored, and spent. We won’t get her yacht back. We won’t even get her peerage back. She’ll keep it all, and she’ll be aggrieved for the rest of her life that we even asked.

“Is this still with the National Crime Agency? Yes. Could there eventually be criminal charges? Yes. Is the government’s record of successful prosecutions in cases of financial chicanery incredibly low? Also yes.

“Turns out when you steal millions you can then use those millions to legally evade any form of justice. Sucks! For us, not for them.”

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Well, that’s The Real Celebrity Traitors spoiled for me. Thanks.”