U.S. Citizenship Test To Include 4-Year Imprisonment Section

WASHINGTON—Stating that the country’s naturalization process was “highly outdated,” White House officials announced Thursday that the U.S. citizenship test would now include a four-year imprisonment section. “Starting this month, all prospective citizens must complete a portion of the exam in which they will be forcibly detained, denied a fair trial, and locked in a cell,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, adding that applicants would be required to report to a U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services field office to be handcuffed and thrown into the back of an unmarked van, which would then take them to a remote detention facility where they would be held until at least 2028. “While we still value the civics and language portions of our exam, we believe U.S. citizens should also have a deep understanding of the carceral state. Being approached by a masked man, whisked off the street, and disappeared for years is part of being an American. If they somehow get out of prison alive, they’ll prove they’ve earned it.” Reached for further comment, Noem said that anyone looking to bypass the imprisonment section of the citizenship test could self-deport at any time. 

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