Wetherspoons to deliver

PUB giant Wetherspoons has announced it is entering the lucrative home delivery market, bringing pints, pitchers of Woo Woo and steaks direct to customers. 

Angered by the 44 per cent of the population who do not visit daily, the pubs have extended their app so cheap pints of gassy lager can be brought directly to your sofa and will be.

Tim Martin, who is Brexit’s lover, said: “Despite being within a short stumble of every bus station, our regulars still skip days. Well no more.

“Order on the app and we’ll come to you. That sticky carpet, early-morning-pissed feeling will envelop your own lounge. We can deliver anything from crisps to coffee to Curry Club’s special for the week, while being mindful that 96 per cent of orders will be for cheap booze.

“Repeat orders can be arranged as frequently as every ten minutes, but during busy periods, like lunch or between 7pm and 11pm, we will prioritise our longest-serving customers in care homes and hospitals.”

Stalwart ‘spooner Roy Hobbs said: “But Wetherspoons is my home.”