‘When are you pissing off?’ The six questions Starmer must answer

LOSING two members of his government in a week has raised concerns about Labour’s leadership and whether the country would notice if it changed. He must answer these: 

“When are you pissing off?”

The opposition, his own MPs and most of all a media addicted to switching prime ministers every three years needs to know. Any desire on the part of the public for stability must be disregarded and this question asked at every PMQs, press conference and social gathering for the next 46 months until he resigns. Has he resigned yet? Then ask again.

“Do you know what a paedophile is?”

Surely, as a former director of public prosecutions, Starmer must know what a paedo is. Why then appoint the friend of one to be US ambassador? Is Downing Street unaware they are largely considered bad? The reply ‘yes, but this particular paedo was a good friend of Donald Trump’ is not exculpatory.

“Immigrants: is there even the remote possibility they could be okay?” 

A difficult question for any prime minister to field, it poses unique problems for Starmer. If he says anything positive, he risks provoking the far-right. If he says they’re bad, he will then be faced with further questions like ‘How bad?’ and ‘Would you say you hate all of them, or are you weak?’

“Are you a Reform sleeper agent?” 

A leading question, perhaps, but worth asking. A year ago nobody would have suspected that a boring man with a reliable haircut could be a double agent for flamboyant pink-suited Yankophile Nigel Farage. Starmer’s policies, however, suggest his leadership is a grand scheme to ease his mentor into power. Was ‘small boats’ his activation phrase?

“What are the historical values of the Labour party?”

No need for a comprehensive answer with academic citations. Something vague and mumbled about trade unions and working-class voters would suffice. Even ‘equality vibes’ and giving a thumbs up would be a reassurance at this point, though the reaction ‘I’m in the Labour party? F**k’ would not be surprising.

“Have you even seen Adolescence?” 

Finally, before the door hits your arse on the way out, did you actually watch all four hours of Adolescence? Because while there were good episodes the school one was bollocks and the business with paint on the van was no better. You can admit you only watch Newsnight and Laura K now you’ve got nothing to lose.