Who’s definitely in the Epstein Files, by a gobshite down the pub

YOU know why they’ve lost that Epstein client list, don’t you? Trump’s all over it. And Prince Andy, of course, and Musk. Mine’s a pint and I’ll tell all: 

Donald Trump

Clever man you see, so he said he’d release the client list, said it was on his desk, and now he’s blindsided everyone by saying there isn’t one. Classic bait-and-switch. He was there every weekend. They had a tank of simulated urine where he’d go underwater and bang a mermaid dressed as Judge Ruth Baker Ginsburg.

Phillip Schofield

Epstein’s smart. He knows if you control daytime British TV you pull the strings of the whole world. Schofield was a regular there and he was into being ‘closeted’ where you sit in a little box and nobody knows you’re gay. Mate of mine used to do the bins on the island, said he’d looked through the keyhole and seen the puppet.

The Princess of Wales

Both of ‘em. They insist on it, the Royals, as training. Learn what the ruler likes and all that. Get Kate used to handling the specific objects and used to their at time frightening power. Camilla? Christ no. She once did a series of guest lectures.

Bear Grylls

Wasn’t invited. Washed up at midnight, knife in his teeth, determined to beat the toughest survival challenge: escape the island without being shagged. He made it by the skin of his f**king teeth, all chasing after him, whooping and hollering. Man is the most dangerous prey of all, you see, or some shite like that. Cadge a fag?

Him down Bolton council who’s being a right arsehole about my planning permission

Plans change, alright, you prick? If at the building stage I decide it’s better as a two-room dwelling than a workshop, it’s my land and I’ve got a right to do that. So yeah he was there, going with all the teenage girls, and he was worse than anyone. A right bastard. Someone from one of these estates should fill the f**ker in.

Boris Johnson

You don’t have to entrap Shagger. The minute he heard about Fanny Island he was chasing an invite. Practically lived there. Come on, if that’s not true then the entire thing’s a weak fabrication of bored and powerless people on social media. So he had to be.