Yes, digital ID cards will link up with porn verification system, Starmer confirms

THE prime minister has confirmed that digital ID cards will indeed work in tandem with the age verification system which records all the filth you watch. 

As well as making it tougher to work in the UK illegally, the government’s proposed digital ID cards will provide a full gooning history to police, HMRC, Border Force, employers, council refuse operatives and the pretty girl at Bargain Booze.

Keir Starmer said: “We’ve collected a lot of data about you depraved perverts ever since age verification rolled out. Now we just need to connect the dots.

“All those awkward webcam selfies you took as you logged in to watch Angela White w/ Mia Malkova? That sweaty, horny face will be your digital ID card photo forever, so no need for extra admin.

“What you’ve watched and webcam footage of you watching it will be linked to your medical records, credit rating, National Trust membership and any attempt to hire a car or Rug Doctor.

“As usual, the innocent have nothing to hide. But the rampantly horny have a great deal to worry about.”

Kemi Badenoch said: “Given their well-documented sexual proclivities, this can only be viewed as an unconscionable attack on Britain’s Conservative voters.”