Outbreaks of lucidity on Tuesday: Your period as a weather report

GOOD evening, I’m Carol Kirkwood, and this is the rundown of a forbidding menstrual week ahead. Here’s the forecast: 

Saturday

Storm clouds and heavy bloating are rolling in from the west, along with severe chilliness towards boyfriends who breathe too loudly. We’re going to see sporadic outbreaks of sadness and a jar of pickled onions hurled violently against the kitchen wall for refusing to open.

Sunday

There’ll be some light downpours today – the perfect excuse to climb into comfies and despise humanity without restraint. Expect Gilmore Girls to drift across screens around 4pm, accompanied by a blazing row with your sister over WhatsApp. By evening we’re into heavy spells of self-pity, followed by a shopping front on ASOS opening up.

Monday

Expect scattered cramps across the abdomen and a much heavier flow. Wear the right clothing. Sneezing may cause flooding, there will be rising temperatures in the face of male stupidity and dig out the work outfit you always wear this time of the month.

Tuesday

Heavy downpours expected all day, clouding over with sobbing at a dog in an advert by teatime. Red warning for the colleague who suggests you ‘chill the f**k out’. Expect to feel useless and stupid, especially once your mother phones.

Wednesday

There’ll be outbreaks of lucidity and productivity in the morning, with the storm starting to pass. Skies clearing, hormones stabilising and with breasts no longer tender, a higher likelihood of sexual activity. Generally fresher.

Thursday

Strong sunshine and clear skies, with renewed feelings of optimism and bafflement at why last week felt like the collapse of civilisation. A welcome return to sanity. Outlook: repeat in 28 days.