‘There was a crumb in the cupboard’: Online reviews by arseholes with insanely high expectations

ARE you an idiot with unrealistic expectations who loves finding things to moan about? You’re probably responsible for one of these online reviews…

Tripadvisor: ‘There was a crumb in the cupboard’

‘Despite coming to Center Parcs every year because it’s the only place I can let my kids roam unsupervised without fear of them being kidnapped while I swill wine all day, I was furious about the cleanliness of the lodge. There was a single crumb in the kitchen cupboard, which I have decided means the place is a disgusting hovel and the slatternly cleaners do f**k all. Will be making a complaint and never returning. Until next year.’

Amazon: ‘This £159 laptop is not as good as a MacBook’

‘This is a brand new laptop so I expected it to be able to seamlessly stream Fortnite while also rendering a video, but it couldn’t do either. The graphics are poor, startup is slow and I can’t even add GarageBand, which is the only reason I’m not a shit-hot record producer. Tried to download a 72 gigabyte file full of proof that 9/11 was an inside job and it crashed. Piece of garbage.’

Google: ‘The bar staff did not immediately attend to my every need’

‘I went to this pub on a Saturday night after the local football team had played and was dismayed to find it was absolutely packed. Could not get a table, despite loudly demanding at the bar that one be found for us, and the staff had an unpleasant air of annoyance about them. After we were finally seated at a table they begrudgingly dragged in from the garden – which was wet! – our food did not arrive for nine minutes. Will be reporting them to trading standards.’

Trustpilot: ‘I had to queue at airport security for 23 minutes’

‘We arrived at the airport at 10am on the first Saturday of the school holidays to find there were huge queues at security! And when I say huge, I mean I had to wait for 23 minutes with two small children who got so bored they ran around screaming and a woman in the queue tutted and said ‘Control those children’ which caused me distress. I blame Brexit, even though it was an internal flight and we could have easily got the train instead.’

Facebook: ‘My chicken korma cost £6.95 and the waiter was an immigrant’

‘Went to the local curry house, cost a fortune and the waiter blatantly admitted he was from India and had come over here to steal our jobs. No matter that he’s my mate Farid who’s lived here since 1984 and I eat here every Friday and I went to his wedding. It’s the principle that counts #votereform.’

AliExpress: ‘This piece of blatantly cheap crap turned out to be blatantly cheap crap’

‘I wanted a Labubu doll but didn’t want to spend £20 on it, because I’m a cheapskate as well as a grown-up idiot who likes kids’ toys. So I decided to buy one on AliExpress instead for £1.79. However, when it arrived I was incredibly disappointed to discover it was a cheap-looking knock-off and it disintegrated in my hands after two hours. I’d claim I’d never buy from AliExpress again but actually I’m just about to press ‘buy’ on a fake Nintendo Switch which costs £27.99 and I’m sure will be wonderful.’